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הגשש החיוור - מערכון שטרם נראה עד היום

קליפ - לא על זה רציתי לדבר

קליפ - אני מכיר אותה

שרית התקשרה

קליפ - קפה לאניני טעם

קטורזה מדבר על כדורגל

קליפ - ליקויי דיבור

לוטו

The Famous Johnny Carson Copper Clappers...

Jewish Mother

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

'Give me the box of matches,' says one. 'Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens'

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms.. 'No, no, don't!.

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars. Still, he takes another match...

And... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: 'No,no, don't do that!'

One of the astronauts says, 'This looks serious. What are they afraid of?

Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars'.

So he strikes a match -- which flames up, burns down, and....

NOTHING HAPPENS!!

So he turns to the Martians and asks, 'Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?'

The leader of the Martians says, "Today is Shabbos!"

THE LADIES FROM HADASSAH

A car full of ladies from Hadassah are in a terrible accident. They arrive
at the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter is waiting. The women want to get into
Heaven, so Saint Peter looks through the book, but can't find them listed in
the New Arrivals section.

"I'm sorry," Saint Peter says to them, "but I can't find you in the book,
there must be some mistake."

With that, he sends them down to Hell. A couple of days later, God asks
Saint Peter, "What happened to those Jewish ladies who were supposed to be
here?"

"You mean the ones from Hadassah?" Saint Peter asks. "I didn't see them
listed, so I sent them to Hell."

"You WHAT?" God asks outraged, "I wanted them here. If you want to keep your
job, you better call Satan and get them back up here ASAP."

St. Peter gets on the phone and calls Hell. "Satan you know Those Jewish
ladies I sent down there? Well, I really need them up here. Could you please
send them back?"

"NO WAY IN HELL," Satan replies. "They're here only two days and they've
already raised $100,000 for an air conditioning system!"

The First Jewish President

The year is 2012 and the United States has elected the first woman as
well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So,
Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as

he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and
take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth
would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown
custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods y ou and
your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is
going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the
way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is
being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a
senator sitting next to her.
"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming
President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

DOROTHY AND ZELDA

Dorothy and Zelda, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice Hymie Cohen asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Zelda: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a Gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me Downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and All. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, Dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are Coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he Tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Zelda: "No, no, no... I'm just saying,

wear a shmata"

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are
having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come
from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a
drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your
third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come
from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place,
Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy
anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from,
there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you
your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your
third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the
wife keeps staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sits
alone at a nearby table.

The husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-boyfriend. I understand he took
to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't
been sober since."

"My God!" says the husband, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele".

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans. Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.

Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"
"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?

Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that he can find.

Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor needed to play an ape." "I could do that," says Moishe.

To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New York. Owing to the mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, they can no longer afford to import the ape to replace the recently deceased one, so, until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit.

Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer.

At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at by the crowds who watch his every move.

But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention and starts to put on a show for all the zoo-goers.

Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might, while beating on his chest.

Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.

One day, when Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den.

Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws and prays at the top of his lungs, "Sh'ma Yisrael Adonai Elohaynu Adonai Echad!" Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.

The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars the response, "Barukh Shem k'vod malkhuto l'olam va-ed ." Blessed be the Name of His glorious kingdom for ever and ever.

From a nearby cage, a panda yells,

"Shut up you schmucks, you'll get us all fired!!!"

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

איש אחד מתקשר למרפאה לקבל תוצאות של בדיקות הדם של אישתו.

מעבר לקו שואל אותו הרופא: "מה שם אשתך?"
"שרה כהן" אומר האיש.
הרופא: "ביום הבדיקה היו לי 3 שרה כהן, אולי יש לך את ה-ת.ז שלה?"
"לא" עונה האיש. "טוב", אומר הרופא "אגיד לך ככה:

לשרה אחת יש התקף לב, לשנייה אלצהיימר ולשלישית איידס."
"איך אוכל לדעת?" שואל האיש בצער.
"זה פשוט" עונה הרופא "שלח את אשתך לרוץ מסביב לבניין,

אם היא חוזרת תתרחק ממנה...

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked.

Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they lie just for a joke."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from every where and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.

Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killled everyone but me."

The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...

"It vuz a ham bush."

The plane was encountering severe problems on a transatlantic flight. Then it got really rough. Finally the pilot - a "good 'ol southern boy" announced in a pronounced drawl:

"Folks y'all can tell we're havin' trouble. We can't maintain altitude. So throw all the luggage off the plane, we'll lighten the load and get outta this mess."

The luggage went out but it wasn't much better. The pilot then announced:
"We're in real trouble here. We're still too heavy. We're gonna have to lose a few people to save all of the rest of us. The only thing I can think of is to do this in alphabetical order. So here goes, starting with 'A'."

"Will all the African-Americans please stand up." Nobody moved.

"Will all the Blacks please stand up." Still nobody moved.

"Will all the Colored's please stand up." Again, nobody moved.

A young Black child turned to her mother: "Mom, aren't we all of those things?"

Her mother replied: "Nope. Today, we are Schvartzes."

Man : God?
God: Yes!?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Yes.
Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million of dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second!

חלומות

אחמדינג'ד מטלפן מטהרן לבוש ומספר לו -
- "אדוני הנשיא, אני מצלצל לך מאחר והיה לי חלום"
- איזה חלום, אחמדינג'ד?"
- אני חלמתי כי ארה"ב נבנתה מחדש, ועל כל בית היה דגל"
- ומה היה כתוב על אותו דגל?"
- אללה הוא גדול, אללה הוא אדיר!!!"

בוש: "אתה יודע, אחמדינג'ד, טוב שצלצלת אלי כי גם לי היה חלום -
- בחלום שלי טהרן נבנתה מחדש, וגם שם על כל בית היה דגל."
- ומה היה כתוב על דגלים אלה?" התעניין אחמדינג'ד.

נשיא ארצות הברית - "אינני יודע, אינני קורא עברית!!!"

מחבל אל קעידה מסתובב במדבר ומחפש נואשות מים להרוות את צמאונו כשלפתע רואה משהו מרחוק באופק. הוא מתקרב למקום ומבחין ביהודי קשיש העומד במרכז המדבר סביבו ארגזים מלאים בעניבות חדשות. המחבל מצליח להתגבר על שנאתו ופונה ליהודי:"יש לך מים ? ". "אין לי מים אבל אולי תרצה לקנות עניבה ? זה חמישה דולרים בלבד"? ענה לו היהודי. "יהודי מטומטם". אמר המחבל."אין לי צורך בעניבה המטופשת שלך ששווה גם פחות מהמחיר שהצעת.לישראל בכלל אין זכות קיום.אני צריך להרוג אותך אבל קודם אני אחפש מים ואח"כ אני אחזור להרוג אותך " צעק עליו המחבל. "טוב " אמר היהודי הקשיש. "זה לא משנה לי שאתה לא רוצה לקנות עניבה ושאתה רוצה להרוג אותי ,אתה רואה את הגבעה הזו ממזרח ? חמישה ק"מ אחריה יש מסעדה נהדרת .שם תוכל למצוא את כל המים שאתה מבקש.שלום לך !" אחר מספר שעות חוזר אליו המחבל מזיע ועייף:"אחיך לא נותן לי להכנס בלי עניבה..."

הגיבורה

ג'ים ומרי היו מאושפזים בבית חולים לחולי נפש. יום אחד, כשטיילו ליד הבריכה של בית החולים, קפץ ג'ים למים העמוקים, שקע למטה ונשאר שם. מרי קפצה מיד למים להציל אותו. היא שחתה לתחתית הבריכה ומשכה אותו החוצה.
כאשר שמע מנהל בית החולים על פעולת הגבורה של מרי, הוא הורה לשחררה מבית החולים, מאחר ולא נחשבה יותר כחולת נפש.
הוא בא למרי ואמר לה: "מרי, יש לי חדשות טובות וחדשות רעות בשבילך. החדשות הטובות הן שאנחנו משחררים אותך כי היית מסוגלת לקפוץ ולהציל חיים של חולה אחר ואני חושב שזה בהחלט מצביע על החלמה.
החדשות הרעות הן שג'ים, החולה שהצלת, תלה את עצמו הבוקר, עם החגורה של חלוק הרחצה שלו, בחדר האמבטיה. אני נורא מצטער, אבל הוא מת".
ענתה מרי: "הוא לא תלה את עצמו. אני תליתי אותו שם לייבוש".

גיסו של אלוהים

President Bush calls in the Head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"
The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression:'Vus titzuch?'
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"
"Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."
The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"
The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."

מנהל בכיר מאוד בחברה גדולה קיבל התקף לב והרופא אמר לו שעליו לשהות בחווה למשך מספר שבועות להתאוששות והחלמה. המנהל שמע בעצת רופאו, אולם לאחר מספר ימים הוא השתעמם וביקש מהחוואי שיעסיק אותו בעבודות שונות בחווה. החוואי אמר לו לנקות את החרא של הפרות וחשב לעצמו שלאחד שהגיע מהעיר ורגיל לשבת על הכסא כל היום תארך העבודה מספר שבועות. לתדהמתו, סיים המנהל את כל העבודה בפחות מיום אחד. למחרת , נתן החוואי למנהל עבודה קשה יותר - לחתוך את ראשיהן של 500 תרנגולות. החוואי, אשר היה בטוח שהמנהל כלל לא יוכל לבצע את העבודה הקשה והאכזרית, נדהם לגלות שגם זו הושלמה כבר באותו היום. בבוקר המחרת , כאשר כבר כל עבודות החווה כמעט הושלמו , ביקש החוואי מהמנהל למיין שק ענק של תפוחי אדמה ל - 2 ארגזים: ארגז לתפוחי האדמה הקטנים וארגז לגדולים. בסוף היום , מצא החוואי את המנהל יושב בחזית שק תפוחי האדמה המלא, כאשר 2 הארגזים שלפניו ריקים. שאל החוואי בפליאה את המנהל : הכיצד ביצעת עבודות קשות כל כך ביומיים הקודמים ואילו עכשיו אינך מסוגל לבצע עבודה פשוטה כל כך ?!
ענה לו המנהל :
הקשב לי טוב - כל חיי אני מתעסק בחרא וחותך ראשים, אבל עכשיו אתה מבקש ממני לקבל החלטות...

Rabbi's Advice
A Jew comes to the Rabbi to tell him he`s decided to commit suicide.
The rabbi says, "Suicide is a very grave sin by us. What made you make this decision?"
The Jew says, "a TZURE has fallen upon my head - my only son decided to turn Christian."
The Rabbi says, " It is definitely terrible, but not the end of the world. I myself have a son who became Christian."
"You, Rabbi?" says the Jew, "and what did you do?"
"I made my plea to God", tells the Rabbi, "I prayed and I fasted."
"Nououou?" asks the Jew, "did he help you?"
"No, God told me there`s nothing he can do", says the Rabbi, "his own son turned Christian too!"

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his mother.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

A man calls his mother in Florida.
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too Good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I don't want my mouth should be filled with food if you call."

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards, is ---- Not Now.

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to Marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. But how did you know?"
The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

Moshe and Miriam, a young orthodox married couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Miriam's water broke on Shabbos and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital's maternity ward. Because Moshe wanted to try and minimize the Shabbos violation, he told the dispatcher that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Moshe and Miriam were getting in, they overheard the dispatcher on the two-way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-semites yet?"

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

"How much are the bagels ?"
"40 cents for two."
"How much for one ?"
"25 cents"
"Then I'll take the other one."

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Chinese Adam and Eve:
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!

Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, " Dad, why do you keep telling people u're dying of AIDS? "
Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"

Wrong email address!

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To! : My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 8 Jan 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

HER FORTIETH BIRTHDAY

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Sara? A Jaguar? A mink coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much..."

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson" patient.

The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told, "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson."

"That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Who are you?"

Smiling coyly, the patient replied, "I know now that I am Lady Nelson."

Question: Why are Jewish men circumcised ?
Answer: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.

באוניברסיטה קיבלו הסטודנטים נושא לכתיבת סיפור, כאשר המטרה הייתה שישתמשו בכמה שפחות מילים, אבל הסיפור חייב היה להכיל את כל האלמנטים הבאים:

1. דת
2. מיניות
3. תעלומה

הסיפור שזכה בציון הגבוה ביותר היה:

אלוהים אדירים !   אני בהיריון !...   ממי ?

Modern day stork story.

Cyrus asks: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've Got Male!

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus -- and walked over to inspect it closer.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna shit when you hear the price.

Chief Two Eagles

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

THE DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed and Intrested he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass? One man replied, "We don't have any moneyfor food. and we're so hungry We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But, sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree"
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also  have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the  car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked: "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?", the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?", the man asked.
"What are you kiddin' and catch a disease for ten lousy bucks?!!", exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex".

So two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.
"So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"
Murray looks up at him and says, "Jesus, is that all you people ever think of?"

קונפציוס נשאל "מה מדהים אותך ביותר בבני האדם"
ותשובתו היתה "בני האדם מאבדים את בריאותם כדי לצבור כסף -
ואז הם מאבדים את כספם כדי להציל את בריאותם,
בשל מחשבותיהם על העתיד הם שוכחים את ההווה-
וכך אינם חיים לא למען ההווה ולא למען העתיד,
ובה בשעה שהם חיים כאילו לעולם לא ימותו, הם מתים כאילו מעולם לא חיו"

So two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign.
His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.
"So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"
Murray looks up at him and says, "Jesus, is that all you people ever think of?"

Brewing Coffee


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

 The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"    
Amen  :-)

An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi."
"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading a Neo-Nazi newspaper:
A friend of him, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader and asked:
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a Neo-Nazi newspaper, that bullshit.
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Anti-Semitism in Europe, terrorism in Israel, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty." So I switched to the Neo-Nazi newspaper. Now what do I find? - "Jews own all the banks,Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world.
The news here are much better!!!"

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?' "Now what would you say?"

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro

APOLOGIES
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. ohn tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"

ציטוטים

האינטרסים של המעביד ושל העובד הם זהים בתשעה מכל עשרה מקרים. הייתי אומר אפילו, בתשעים ותשעה מכל עשרה מקרים" (שר החוץ הבריטי, לורד קורזון)

קשה מאד לעשות תחזיות, במיוחד בקשר לעתיד (מועמד לנשיאות צרפת, אלן פירפיט)

סכנה! נגיעה בכבל הזה גורמת למוות מיידי! מי שייתפס נוגע בכבל, יועמד לדין (שלט בתחנת רכבת באילינוי)

אנחנו מצויים בעיצומה של מגמה בלתי הפיכה לכיוון שלום בעולם. אבל זה יכול להשתנות (דן קוויל)

הסכם בעל-פה אינו שווה את הנייר שעליו הוא חתום (מפיק הסרטים סמואל גולדווין )

יש לי עשרה זוגות של נעלי ספורט, אחד לכל יום בשבוע (סמנתה פוקס )

"אין לנו צנזורה. יש לנו הגבלות על מה מותר ומה אסור לדווח" (דובר ממשלת דרא"פ, לואי נל)

הנשיא יודע מה קורה. זה לא אומר שקורה משהו (דובר הבית הלבן בתקופת ניקסון, רון זיגלר )

ואכן, תושבי סן-פרנציסקו ששרדו אחרי רעידת האדמה מודים לאל הטוב שהשאירם בחיים. אך אלה שמתו, כמובן, יודעים שחייהם השתנו לבלי הכר (חברת הקונגרס, ברברה בוקסר)

תמיד תלך ללוויות של אנשים אחרים, אחרת הם לא יבואו לשלך (שחקן הבייסבול יוגי ברה )

ועכשיו, בבקשה, שכל אחד מכם יקום ויציג את עצמו (יו"ר בית הנבחרים, גיב לואיס, לפני קבוצת נכים בכיסאות גלגלים)

הנשיא החליט להתערב באופן אישי כדי להביא להפסקת הירידה בשיעור הילודה בצרפת (דוברו של נשיא צרפת שארל דה-גול)

אי אפשר לעשות שלום לפני שהמלחמה נגמרה (רפאל איתן )

קרל לואיס, איזה אצן מדהים… כל הזרועות שלו וכל המרפקים וכל הברכיים רצים באותו כיוון (שדר ספורט של ה-BBC, דייויד קולמן)

יש לי דעות מוצקות משלי, אבל אני לא תמיד מסכים איתן (ג'ורג' בוש)

אני תומך באנטי גזענות, באנטי שנאה ובאנטישמיות (ג'ורג' בוש)

נעשה פשע פוליטי חסר תקדים בתולדות המדינה, ונדמה לי, בתולדות הדמוקרטיה( ביבי נתניהו, על ה"קלטת הלוהטת")

אם כדור השלג הזה יתגלגל, הוא יצית אש בכל המדינה (ראש הוועדים בקנדה, רוברט תומפסון)

אתה יכול להוביל סוס מת אל הנהר, אבל אתה לא יכול להכריח אותו לשתות (ראש העיר טורונטו, אלן למפרט)

הבה נרים כוסית לחיי מדינת בוליביה (רונלד רייגן, בקבלת פנים לכבודו בברזיל)

הבעיה היא שלבתי הקברות יש דימוי קודר. הציבור מקשר אותם עם מוות (הבישופ מווילס )

הכנסה נמוכה היא הסיבה העיקרית להימצאותם של אנשים עובדים מתחת לקו העוני (מסקנות ועדת החקירה האמריקנית למלחמה בעוני, 1973)

לאנשים עם הכנסות גבוהות יש בדר"כ כח קנייה גדול יותר מאשר לאנשים עם הכנסות נמוכות (הצהרת הסיכום של כנס איגוד לשכות המסחר בבריטניה, 1956)

ביום ראשון אחה"צ תצא תהלוכה מהכנסייה לכיכר העיר. אבל אם ירד גשם אחה"צ, התהלוכה תצא ביום ראשון בבוקר (הודעת עיריית סן-אנטוניו)

I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher
computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The
price is so low, even with the shipping from Israel, that I bought one.
I've been using it now for several weeks, and highly recommend it.
However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should
know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher
computer you are used to, such as:
 
1) The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
2) I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
3) The cursor moves from right to left.
4) When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"
5) When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."
6) It comes with a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of all the "schmutz und drek."
7) When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with me with a "You want I should fix this" message?
8) After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen".
9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
10) It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik (business software)and one for milchedik (games).
11) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets"Ferklempt"
12) The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
13) Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
14) When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
15) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.
16) When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus." 
17) After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam!